Lifting the Veil

I've come to hating again.

I can't quite put my finger on the "why". Here's what I'm thinking though.

I look at my 7-year-old self, and all I can think is "I'm sorry I let things go to shit." 7 years is the oldest I can remember before a giant blank appears in my memory until ~15. Sure, there are bits and bobs floating around, but nothing concrete. This was the time I think I started surpessing my humanity, supressing my desire to want or need love and affection. I thought myself unworthy of it. Of course, this wasn't my own doing, it's a result of the attitude of my parents, and to a large extent, my elder brother. He was a problem child, and as a result a lot of my parents' attention was focused on him, positive and negative. Which didn't leave them a lot of energy for me. So in order to make them feel more comfortable, I did want and I did not need anything. I wanted them to be happy. If they were happy, I was happy.

*shudder*

I spoke about this in an earlier post. I deserve to be put first. I DO.

But this is kind of the underlying problem, and I'm dealing with it. No, someting else is on my mind. I think my 7-year-old self is trying to get out. He's selfish, as children are, and wants focus on him. He also doesn't care for when people even mildly step to him. He's sensitive, he knows when there's a bully around. This is manifest in me now but my reaction is anger, rather than tears (I know I'd call for Mam if anything happened to me back in the day), and I don't know how to deal with it. I realise after so many years of making myself not get angry, I have no idea how to let anger out in a controlled fashion. At the moment I feel like giving out to a load of people for very specific reasons, but I know that's not ideal as I don't want to lose friendships. Yet who knows, would those friendships even get broken? I dunno man. I mean, I feel like REALLY giving it loads. There would not be many pieces to pick after I finished.

I don't know how to control my anger. That sounds like it might be it.

I look at my 7-year-old self. He's not looking back at me. It's as if he's not recognising my existance. Or maybe. . .he's disappointed. But he's letting me hold his hand.

And all I can do is choke up. I am so sorry.

Concerns

I still have problems with rejection. I still fall in love with every girl that talks to me. I still find it difficult to stand up for myself. I still don't like the idea of chatting up girls. I still find it hard to believe there'a a girl out there that's right for me. I still find it scary to think there's no girl out there for me. I still worry that I missed an opportunity with a girl who was right for me.I'm still concerned I say "girl" rather than "woman" (so I compromise with "bird").

You Fucked Me Right Up

It is 3 o'clock in the morning, on the 2nd of November.

I love the Winter. It's cold. It's bright. It's predictable. I feel like less can go wrong in the world when there's no nice warm environment outside for it to go wrong in. Everything stays away from the cold. I could argue that this is reflective of how I feel about myself and other people; I like being in a place where I know there are not many people who are also willing to be there. I can be alone in the cold. I like this, apparently.

It seems I don't like it when people try to get to know me. Come to think of it, I don't know what it feels like when someone tries to get to know me. Probably because I shut down when I detect someone is trying to get to know me! They can't get in because I won't let them in! Gah!
Well, I can let them in if they're engaging enough. It's amazing to me that I've only spoken to a few people who make me feel valued when I speak to them. I always thought that one of the major functions of speaking to other people was to make them feel valued. I used to approach every situation like this. Not any more though. I've found that it's possible, nay, necessary to value some more than others. Myself in particular. I've never been good at putting myself first because, well, I didn't think I deserved to be put first. I thought "As I am more aware of the value of life, I will put the people I meet before me in every instance. I'm happy when they're happy". I have since realised how very disgusting such a thought can be. How do I not deserve to be put first? I am a loving, loved human being. I deserve to be put first just as much as any of the people I choose to be put first. So fuck those bitches. I want to be cared about.

So I'm learning I deserve to be loved. I'm 21 and I'm figuring that out now. Nice job, Mam & Dad. You know I was the one who started to say "I love you" in my house recently? Up to then it was literally never said. We just did not tell each other we loved each other, and let me tell you: there is a world of difference between taking love for granted and actually saying it. We had always done the former. Our parents love us, of course! They don't need to say it! Bullshit. They need to be saying it every five seconds. Think about it. If they're not telling you they love you, and that you are someone who deserves to be loved, then how do you ever know you are?

I love my parents, I really do. But they fucked up. And I told them so.

They still love me.