This Is How An Angel Dies

I've been thinking of this new idea.
That I love people too much.

There is a real block in front of me when it comes to talking to every woman I meet.

Let me tell you, I hate thinking this of myself. That I can't talk to women. For fuck sake, I'm 20. Why the fuck do I still struggle with this. By and large, they are the same as me. They're as intelligent, as awkward as me.

I run conversations through my head. "You're so nice and gentlemanly, and fun to be around! How do you not have a girlfriend yet?" I dunno buddy, I guess I'm just ugly. (half joking) I think the real reason is that I don't see women as "just like me"; I still revere them. Every one I meet is more interesting, more intelligent, more fun than I am. And that intimidates me.

I don't want to choose a girl. I want them to choose me.

I think that is counter to everything in me, and the world, that is masculine. No matter how liberal or equal-rights minded you can be, it is the man who must choose the woman. I think that is fundamental to human instinct.
There is lot to be argued about this in that it's quite a sexist way of thinking. But listen; I think this is the natural way of things. It doesn't have to mean that Man is better than Woman. That's a stupid idea. For proof all you have to do is ask a man who is in love. Ask him what would happen if for the slightest second his woman gave an inkling that they might not be intersted in them? They feel jealousy and rage, true rage. The Man may choose the Woman, but the woman controls so much. The inverse is true, of course. However, I think the man is more willing to console the woman if this is the case. If the man thinks he has done something wrong, he will break himself in his efforts to make things right.

I love women too much. I don't want to con them into thinking I'm great. I want them to love me for who I am.
Yeah I've met two women who fit the bill. To be honset, I think I may have a shot with either. I think I just need to bite the bullet again and make a move. And by make a move I mean be frank with them. Come hell or high water. Make or break friendships. To not give a fuck about the outcome.

I want what I want.

Maybe I should cry for help.
Maybe I'm a different breed.
Maybe I'm the missing link.