Winter Depression

I only twigged it a couple of days ago. but I've realised that I fall into bouts of depression around September. 

The big lapse happened at about this time last year when, after making some changes to my life in order to better it (study, exercise), I found myself still in a pit of despair, helplessness and dread. I felt I had no control over myself or my life, I was powerless to change its direction, despite my attempts to do so.

I had a breakdown in school as well around this time of the year, but that was also partly due to a bullying teacher. Maybe that scarred me to some degree?

I think it's to do with a slight lack of ability to cope with responsibility; I'm back in college and the sheer amount of work to do is, in my mind, staggering. I mean I still haven't got my head around how much work there is to do and I'm afraid I've taken on too much. I'm avoiding work, avoiding research, eating a lot of "comfort food", which I'm beginning to suspect is an oxymoron. My counselor of last year suggested that this is a kind of physical act to avoid dealing with your feelings; you eat chocolate, and swallow, forcing back down the negative emotions, and get a kick out of the sugar. I know it sounds a bit mental, but I thought it was an interesting point.

But of course, I won't be able to get a handle on it until I actually take a stab at it! So, though it's a little late (start of October, yeesh!), I am forcing myself into it, bit by bit. I've set the tone by submitting my first assignment 3 hours late. Which I hate, it's so defeatist. I have a feeling that I subconsciously wanted to submit it late in order to see a physical reflection of the whole situation. I did the assignment, but it's late, but only a little bit, so you can't get mad.

So you can't get mad.

When I am weak, I keep falling back onto the same issues. You know, you see actors and writers and cartoonists joke about their pathetic neuroses on their T.V. shows and Twitter, but I just assumed that they were doing so because they're only discovering them for themselves at the time of writing and they want to communicate it. I never would think that these foibles have plagued them for years.

My own attitude to these types of feelings is that they are invasive, obstructive, and must be resolved. My God, I do not want to be 40 and still feeling like shit, alone, helpless, worried whenever September swings around, although I fear that this is the case with every human being (I'll concede that the time of the dip can be different for everyone. Maybe it's spread out!).

No, I don't expect to be a wizard that can deal with everything life throws at me, but I do want an advanced tool set with which to tackle it. The development of which this blog documents! Wahey!

Anyway, I digress. The plan is: tackle the workload, produce results as are best feasible with the time and ability available. The great rugby player and part-time philosopher Johnny Sexton once wrote:

"Eat nerves, shit results!" 

A noble exercise.


P.S. You may have noticed this post was also an exercise in using italics, emboldening and underling text. You win!