I've come to hating again.
I can't quite put my finger on the "why". Here's what I'm thinking though.
I look at my 7-year-old self, and all I can think is "I'm sorry I let things go to shit." 7 years is the oldest I can remember before a giant blank appears in my memory until ~15. Sure, there are bits and bobs floating around, but nothing concrete. This was the time I think I started surpessing my humanity, supressing my desire to want or need love and affection. I thought myself unworthy of it. Of course, this wasn't my own doing, it's a result of the attitude of my parents, and to a large extent, my elder brother. He was a problem child, and as a result a lot of my parents' attention was focused on him, positive and negative. Which didn't leave them a lot of energy for me. So in order to make them feel more comfortable, I did want and I did not need anything. I wanted them to be happy. If they were happy, I was happy.
*shudder*
I spoke about this in an earlier post. I deserve to be put first. I DO.
But this is kind of the underlying problem, and I'm dealing with it. No, someting else is on my mind. I think my 7-year-old self is trying to get out. He's selfish, as children are, and wants focus on him. He also doesn't care for when people even mildly step to him. He's sensitive, he knows when there's a bully around. This is manifest in me now but my reaction is anger, rather than tears (I know I'd call for Mam if anything happened to me back in the day), and I don't know how to deal with it. I realise after so many years of making myself not get angry, I have no idea how to let anger out in a controlled fashion. At the moment I feel like giving out to a load of people for very specific reasons, but I know that's not ideal as I don't want to lose friendships. Yet who knows, would those friendships even get broken? I dunno man. I mean, I feel like REALLY giving it loads. There would not be many pieces to pick after I finished.
I don't know how to control my anger. That sounds like it might be it.
I look at my 7-year-old self. He's not looking back at me. It's as if he's not recognising my existance. Or maybe. . .he's disappointed. But he's letting me hold his hand.
And all I can do is choke up. I am so sorry.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Concerns
I still have problems with rejection. I still fall in love with every girl that talks to me. I still find it difficult to stand up for myself. I still don't like the idea of chatting up girls. I still find it hard to believe there'a a girl out there that's right for me. I still find it scary to think there's no girl out there for me. I still worry that I missed an opportunity with a girl who was right for me.I'm still concerned I say "girl" rather than "woman" (so I compromise with "bird").
Saturday, December 1, 2012
You Fucked Me Right Up
It is 3 o'clock in the morning, on the 2nd of November.
I love the Winter. It's cold. It's bright. It's predictable. I feel like less can go wrong in the world when there's no nice warm environment outside for it to go wrong in. Everything stays away from the cold. I could argue that this is reflective of how I feel about myself and other people; I like being in a place where I know there are not many people who are also willing to be there. I can be alone in the cold. I like this, apparently.
It seems I don't like it when people try to get to know me. Come to think of it, I don't know what it feels like when someone tries to get to know me. Probably because I shut down when I detect someone is trying to get to know me! They can't get in because I won't let them in! Gah!
Well, I can let them in if they're engaging enough. It's amazing to me that I've only spoken to a few people who make me feel valued when I speak to them. I always thought that one of the major functions of speaking to other people was to make them feel valued. I used to approach every situation like this. Not any more though. I've found that it's possible, nay, necessary to value some more than others. Myself in particular. I've never been good at putting myself first because, well, I didn't think I deserved to be put first. I thought "As I am more aware of the value of life, I will put the people I meet before me in every instance. I'm happy when they're happy". I have since realised how very disgusting such a thought can be. How do I not deserve to be put first? I am a loving, loved human being. I deserve to be put first just as much as any of the people I choose to be put first. So fuck those bitches. I want to be cared about.
So I'm learning I deserve to be loved. I'm 21 and I'm figuring that out now. Nice job, Mam & Dad. You know I was the one who started to say "I love you" in my house recently? Up to then it was literally never said. We just did not tell each other we loved each other, and let me tell you: there is a world of difference between taking love for granted and actually saying it. We had always done the former. Our parents love us, of course! They don't need to say it! Bullshit. They need to be saying it every five seconds. Think about it. If they're not telling you they love you, and that you are someone who deserves to be loved, then how do you ever know you are?
I love my parents, I really do. But they fucked up. And I told them so.
They still love me.
I love the Winter. It's cold. It's bright. It's predictable. I feel like less can go wrong in the world when there's no nice warm environment outside for it to go wrong in. Everything stays away from the cold. I could argue that this is reflective of how I feel about myself and other people; I like being in a place where I know there are not many people who are also willing to be there. I can be alone in the cold. I like this, apparently.
It seems I don't like it when people try to get to know me. Come to think of it, I don't know what it feels like when someone tries to get to know me. Probably because I shut down when I detect someone is trying to get to know me! They can't get in because I won't let them in! Gah!
Well, I can let them in if they're engaging enough. It's amazing to me that I've only spoken to a few people who make me feel valued when I speak to them. I always thought that one of the major functions of speaking to other people was to make them feel valued. I used to approach every situation like this. Not any more though. I've found that it's possible, nay, necessary to value some more than others. Myself in particular. I've never been good at putting myself first because, well, I didn't think I deserved to be put first. I thought "As I am more aware of the value of life, I will put the people I meet before me in every instance. I'm happy when they're happy". I have since realised how very disgusting such a thought can be. How do I not deserve to be put first? I am a loving, loved human being. I deserve to be put first just as much as any of the people I choose to be put first. So fuck those bitches. I want to be cared about.
So I'm learning I deserve to be loved. I'm 21 and I'm figuring that out now. Nice job, Mam & Dad. You know I was the one who started to say "I love you" in my house recently? Up to then it was literally never said. We just did not tell each other we loved each other, and let me tell you: there is a world of difference between taking love for granted and actually saying it. We had always done the former. Our parents love us, of course! They don't need to say it! Bullshit. They need to be saying it every five seconds. Think about it. If they're not telling you they love you, and that you are someone who deserves to be loved, then how do you ever know you are?
I love my parents, I really do. But they fucked up. And I told them so.
They still love me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Alcohol
This started as a post outlining my views on drinking, but it sort of evolved into a QuickGuide cos it's a complex issue to explain, but easy to remember. You'll understand when you read it!
I get pretty muddled in my thought processes when I think about the drinking of alcohol (as you're definitely going to see in this post). It's a double-edged sword. Drinking is awesome, but it's very important to know how to control it.
Don't Drink Alone.
When alone, it's very easy to dismiss drinking as needless and degrading, physically, emotionally, and even socially. Yes, it is. If you've ever drank alone, or, when hungover, been under the influence of post-drinking depression, you know exactly how degrading it can be. I know just how easily it can run away on you, how it can really grind things to a halt without you even realising what's wrong. You start to think of how shitty your life is, and minor problems get magnified.
But it's just the booze. Real depression is something much worse.
Always Drink In A Group
Drinking is a social act. I've wondered though: What do we really know about our friends if we're always drinking when we get together?
We know a lot more about them if we know their drinking habits. Alcohol is a very powerful drug, but its' effects are more far-reaching that the chemical itself. I know I am closer to the people I know as a result of drinking with them. It tears down walls, opens people up, makes them more sociable. Yes, it becomes a problem when a person can only talk to people when they're drinking, but this can be eliminated by open conversation with amongst friends. It takes those friends to crack the shell.
The following is an example
If you're in a group with someone you can see that drinking is a problem for them, you need to become the example that makes them think "Hey, you know what? I'm happy when I'm with these guys." If you can do that, and befriend them, you can really help them. With luck, they start to find their thresholds and their limits. They start to see exactly how to have fun when drinking, and they'll find they don't need to drink alone.
This takes courage on both parts. And subtlety on your part.
Know Your Limit
This one only comes with experience.
A good indication of when you've reached you limit is when you throw up, but this needn't be a barrier. You can throw up and still continue to drink, though you'll probably have to move onto a different flavoured drink, or a different alcohol.
You'll recognise your limit when you start stumbling around the gaff and knocking shit over, and making yourself fall over. This is tremendous craic when everyone in the room is as drunk as you, but it's bad form to be the first and only one to reach this point. The beauty of a good session lies in everyone getting as drunk as everyone else in more or less the same time frame.
I'm finding it hard to remember the last time I got so wasted that I couldn't actually drink any more.Cigarettes are a big killer for me, they really put a hold on my drinking because they make me feel nauseous. I know I said puking needn't be a barrier, but when I'm drinking, cigarettes fuck up my head and my stomach so that I just feel really ill. I can't smoke in the middle of my drinking. I'll get onto cigarettes in a minute.
Don't Be Hassle
This ties into knowing your limit. If you don't become aware that you've reached your limit, you'll become what is known as a "Mess". At this point, your friends will have to start taking care of you, and this really is a giant buzz kill. Again, if you're all past the limit then it's fine, but not so much if you're the only one.
If you're very drunk but honest with yourself, you won't be hassle. You'll know that you need to get to bed (a place to get sick would be a good idea too, to get excess alcohol out of your system) and have a sleep. This leads me to the next topic.
Don't Be Afraid Of The Hangover
Hangovers are absolutely no excuse for not drinking. When treated with respect, hangovers can easily be dealt with. You'll hear a lot of bullshit cures for hangovers, but you only need a few simple tips. The most crucial one being two pints of water before you go asleep. No matter what, get two pints of water into you before you crash for the night. The headache in the morning is the result the alcohol dehydrating your brain, causing shrinkage of its' outer covering. Counteract that sumbitch with some H2O.
Alcohol depletes your electrolyte content (a fairly important chemical), which adds to the brain business, and causes muscle fatigue. So something along the lines of Powerade is extremely beneficial. My personal favourite is Lucozade, that shit is a lifesaver, especially over ice.
In terms of food, you may or may not feel like eating immediately when you wake up. Typically I can't touch food until 5 P.M. but if you need it, eat something big and heavy on the stomach. A breakfast roll is hailed as the best thing for this. I made the discovery of the sausage, wedge, and curry sauce roll a few months ago and never looked back. Don't knock til you've tried it.
Cigarettes
Cigarettes are tricky. They have an near immediate hit of intoxication. Even after smoking casually for a few years, they still don't taste good at all. The aftertaste is worse, but easily forgotten about with a drink in hand. Smoke on your clothes is also pretty horrible to wake up to. It makes me nauseous by itself, but then also reminds me of the drinking the night before, compounding the nausea.
However, I love to smoke. I love it because I treat it with respect. I smoke when I'm very, very drunk, and its' effects are best realised after a drinking session has peaked and things are cooling down.
Cigarettes are social, but can be taken to a less social area of use. When you're drunk, and you step outside, and it's 4 A.M., and you light up, a type of real peace is attained. Fine, it's under the influence of drugs, but I don't give a fuck about that anymore. Am I going to devote my life to being a monk to attain this kind of enlightenment through meditation? Fuck no, I'm going to live my life.
I recall the end of my Christmas exams this year. At 11 A.M. I got back to my house, poured myself some Hennessy, grabbed my iPod, my cigarettes, and a chair, and brought them out to the front garden. I sat in the sun amongst the still-frozen grass. I put on "re: Stacks", lit a cigarette, and sipped on Hennessy. It was bliss.
At any given time, I can't handle more that two cigarettes. That's fine by me. Due to the infrequent way I smoke, I remain highly susceptible to the effects of nicotine, it stays a powerful drug for me. Which is great! I get superb value every time I smoke! I think it also serves as a reminder not to smoke regularly. I don't want to lose my sensitivity to it, and if I am I know I'm smoking too much.
Everything is fine in moderation.
I think I've covered everything. That felt good. Also, I think drinking should start in the home. Teenagers will learn how to handle themselves better if they're taught how to drink with composure under the guidance of their parents. Let them have cider or something similarly light when they're 15 and up. I believe this will fast-track drinking maturity.
I get pretty muddled in my thought processes when I think about the drinking of alcohol (as you're definitely going to see in this post). It's a double-edged sword. Drinking is awesome, but it's very important to know how to control it.
Don't Drink Alone.
When alone, it's very easy to dismiss drinking as needless and degrading, physically, emotionally, and even socially. Yes, it is. If you've ever drank alone, or, when hungover, been under the influence of post-drinking depression, you know exactly how degrading it can be. I know just how easily it can run away on you, how it can really grind things to a halt without you even realising what's wrong. You start to think of how shitty your life is, and minor problems get magnified.
But it's just the booze. Real depression is something much worse.
Always Drink In A Group
Drinking is a social act. I've wondered though: What do we really know about our friends if we're always drinking when we get together?
We know a lot more about them if we know their drinking habits. Alcohol is a very powerful drug, but its' effects are more far-reaching that the chemical itself. I know I am closer to the people I know as a result of drinking with them. It tears down walls, opens people up, makes them more sociable. Yes, it becomes a problem when a person can only talk to people when they're drinking, but this can be eliminated by open conversation with amongst friends. It takes those friends to crack the shell.
The following is an example
If you're in a group with someone you can see that drinking is a problem for them, you need to become the example that makes them think "Hey, you know what? I'm happy when I'm with these guys." If you can do that, and befriend them, you can really help them. With luck, they start to find their thresholds and their limits. They start to see exactly how to have fun when drinking, and they'll find they don't need to drink alone.
This takes courage on both parts. And subtlety on your part.
Know Your Limit
This one only comes with experience.
A good indication of when you've reached you limit is when you throw up, but this needn't be a barrier. You can throw up and still continue to drink, though you'll probably have to move onto a different flavoured drink, or a different alcohol.
You'll recognise your limit when you start stumbling around the gaff and knocking shit over, and making yourself fall over. This is tremendous craic when everyone in the room is as drunk as you, but it's bad form to be the first and only one to reach this point. The beauty of a good session lies in everyone getting as drunk as everyone else in more or less the same time frame.
I'm finding it hard to remember the last time I got so wasted that I couldn't actually drink any more.Cigarettes are a big killer for me, they really put a hold on my drinking because they make me feel nauseous. I know I said puking needn't be a barrier, but when I'm drinking, cigarettes fuck up my head and my stomach so that I just feel really ill. I can't smoke in the middle of my drinking. I'll get onto cigarettes in a minute.
Don't Be Hassle
This ties into knowing your limit. If you don't become aware that you've reached your limit, you'll become what is known as a "Mess". At this point, your friends will have to start taking care of you, and this really is a giant buzz kill. Again, if you're all past the limit then it's fine, but not so much if you're the only one.
If you're very drunk but honest with yourself, you won't be hassle. You'll know that you need to get to bed (a place to get sick would be a good idea too, to get excess alcohol out of your system) and have a sleep. This leads me to the next topic.
Don't Be Afraid Of The Hangover
Hangovers are absolutely no excuse for not drinking. When treated with respect, hangovers can easily be dealt with. You'll hear a lot of bullshit cures for hangovers, but you only need a few simple tips. The most crucial one being two pints of water before you go asleep. No matter what, get two pints of water into you before you crash for the night. The headache in the morning is the result the alcohol dehydrating your brain, causing shrinkage of its' outer covering. Counteract that sumbitch with some H2O.
Alcohol depletes your electrolyte content (a fairly important chemical), which adds to the brain business, and causes muscle fatigue. So something along the lines of Powerade is extremely beneficial. My personal favourite is Lucozade, that shit is a lifesaver, especially over ice.
In terms of food, you may or may not feel like eating immediately when you wake up. Typically I can't touch food until 5 P.M. but if you need it, eat something big and heavy on the stomach. A breakfast roll is hailed as the best thing for this. I made the discovery of the sausage, wedge, and curry sauce roll a few months ago and never looked back. Don't knock til you've tried it.
Cigarettes
Cigarettes are tricky. They have an near immediate hit of intoxication. Even after smoking casually for a few years, they still don't taste good at all. The aftertaste is worse, but easily forgotten about with a drink in hand. Smoke on your clothes is also pretty horrible to wake up to. It makes me nauseous by itself, but then also reminds me of the drinking the night before, compounding the nausea.
However, I love to smoke. I love it because I treat it with respect. I smoke when I'm very, very drunk, and its' effects are best realised after a drinking session has peaked and things are cooling down.
Cigarettes are social, but can be taken to a less social area of use. When you're drunk, and you step outside, and it's 4 A.M., and you light up, a type of real peace is attained. Fine, it's under the influence of drugs, but I don't give a fuck about that anymore. Am I going to devote my life to being a monk to attain this kind of enlightenment through meditation? Fuck no, I'm going to live my life.
I recall the end of my Christmas exams this year. At 11 A.M. I got back to my house, poured myself some Hennessy, grabbed my iPod, my cigarettes, and a chair, and brought them out to the front garden. I sat in the sun amongst the still-frozen grass. I put on "re: Stacks", lit a cigarette, and sipped on Hennessy. It was bliss.
At any given time, I can't handle more that two cigarettes. That's fine by me. Due to the infrequent way I smoke, I remain highly susceptible to the effects of nicotine, it stays a powerful drug for me. Which is great! I get superb value every time I smoke! I think it also serves as a reminder not to smoke regularly. I don't want to lose my sensitivity to it, and if I am I know I'm smoking too much.
Everything is fine in moderation.
I think I've covered everything. That felt good. Also, I think drinking should start in the home. Teenagers will learn how to handle themselves better if they're taught how to drink with composure under the guidance of their parents. Let them have cider or something similarly light when they're 15 and up. I believe this will fast-track drinking maturity.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Airsoft
Why do you do it?
I dunno, I have a sense of obligation to the guys that run the society and the team. I like airsoft, I just don't like the organised version of it. Organised airsoft is emulating military warfare. I have a problem with that. Regular airsoft is then emulating mindless warfare, the kind of thing in Call of Duty. I have an even bigger problem with that. What am I then? Someone trying to find the closest thing to real warfare in order to catch the "thrill" of it, but selfishly neglecting joining the armed forces?
Quitting now would be turning my back on the team, and now there's the humility of the look of the thing. Do I want to leave because it doesn't come to terms with my philosophy, or because I don't want to look like a twat? As badass as I think military style is, the effect is weakened somewhat knowing that it's only airsoft.
Maybe that's it, maybe I need to see through the (somewhat childish) veneer of the whole thing. That's the reality.
I dunno, I have a sense of obligation to the guys that run the society and the team. I like airsoft, I just don't like the organised version of it. Organised airsoft is emulating military warfare. I have a problem with that. Regular airsoft is then emulating mindless warfare, the kind of thing in Call of Duty. I have an even bigger problem with that. What am I then? Someone trying to find the closest thing to real warfare in order to catch the "thrill" of it, but selfishly neglecting joining the armed forces?
Quitting now would be turning my back on the team, and now there's the humility of the look of the thing. Do I want to leave because it doesn't come to terms with my philosophy, or because I don't want to look like a twat? As badass as I think military style is, the effect is weakened somewhat knowing that it's only airsoft.
Maybe that's it, maybe I need to see through the (somewhat childish) veneer of the whole thing. That's the reality.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Building Empties
I've noticed a thing. From what I've seen on facebook, it seems pretty clear that the people I know quite well are the people who are least online. Like, on most evenings the majority of them are clearly taking advantage of the good weather we're having at home, or at least elsewhere engaging in real conversation.
To me, it's a clear example of how the type of people you can love, and the type of people who are just like you, can gravitate towards you. Most, if not all, kids and teenagers worry about whether people like them, but this is the wrong way to go about things. If you persue your own interests, the kind of people you will end up knowing for the rest of your life will just gravitate toward you.
God this is a cheesey post. Truths are like that I suppose. Everyone knows the answers to their problems, but have trouble facing them.
The cheese doesn't end, ugh!
The first thought up there had just occurred to me, I thought I'd write it down. I like to know that the people closest to me are away bettering themselves, either by reading, talking to a person face-to-face, or even watching TV or a movie on their laptops but disconneted from the Internet. I don't think many people in Ireland get it just yet, but there will soon come a time when it really becomes a problem that everyone is online all the time. Heck, I read an article about one of the founders of Google giving a graduation speech to a bunch of university students about the importance of switching off their computers or closing their laptops. He actually urged them to go and talk to someone face-to-face, as if this was something that really isn't happening enough. That is just crazy to me.
I just breezed through another article about job-seeking, advising Americans how to jobseek. Fine, no problem, but: the premise was that people weren't going out and handing in CVs themselves, and that this was considered going "above and beyond" the call of Jobseekers.
That is absurd.
How can it have come to the point that millions of people consider it acceptable to simply post a CV online, or e-mail it out of the blue to a company and expect a job to fall into their laps? It's only common sense that meeting someone with your CV in hand is the best way to go for applying for a job. I've always done it, my friends have always done it, and none of us have ever questioned it.
This whole thing was on theartofmanliness.com, and dressed accordingly; it was "manly" for one to "hit the pavement". No. It is "basic procedure" for one to "hit the pavement".
/rant. The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It seems like every time I read a column on useful advice, all I can think is "I do all of this, but I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER FOR IT!" I think I'm more angry at the fact that advice is listed online, and that people should just know about it. Maybe I feel it's letting other people cheat and come to those conclusions without arriving at them themselves?
I dunno. Ah the advice is good, of course. The best one (that I found online) was one I saw recently about not letting what I think about a given situation ruin what it might become, to stop making assumptions about what people think and just go with it.
I've always felt that my gut instinct was to not trust my gut instinct. It's time to start listening to that.
To me, it's a clear example of how the type of people you can love, and the type of people who are just like you, can gravitate towards you. Most, if not all, kids and teenagers worry about whether people like them, but this is the wrong way to go about things. If you persue your own interests, the kind of people you will end up knowing for the rest of your life will just gravitate toward you.
God this is a cheesey post. Truths are like that I suppose. Everyone knows the answers to their problems, but have trouble facing them.
The cheese doesn't end, ugh!
The first thought up there had just occurred to me, I thought I'd write it down. I like to know that the people closest to me are away bettering themselves, either by reading, talking to a person face-to-face, or even watching TV or a movie on their laptops but disconneted from the Internet. I don't think many people in Ireland get it just yet, but there will soon come a time when it really becomes a problem that everyone is online all the time. Heck, I read an article about one of the founders of Google giving a graduation speech to a bunch of university students about the importance of switching off their computers or closing their laptops. He actually urged them to go and talk to someone face-to-face, as if this was something that really isn't happening enough. That is just crazy to me.
I just breezed through another article about job-seeking, advising Americans how to jobseek. Fine, no problem, but: the premise was that people weren't going out and handing in CVs themselves, and that this was considered going "above and beyond" the call of Jobseekers.
That is absurd.
How can it have come to the point that millions of people consider it acceptable to simply post a CV online, or e-mail it out of the blue to a company and expect a job to fall into their laps? It's only common sense that meeting someone with your CV in hand is the best way to go for applying for a job. I've always done it, my friends have always done it, and none of us have ever questioned it.
This whole thing was on theartofmanliness.com, and dressed accordingly; it was "manly" for one to "hit the pavement". No. It is "basic procedure" for one to "hit the pavement".
/rant. The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. It seems like every time I read a column on useful advice, all I can think is "I do all of this, but I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER FOR IT!" I think I'm more angry at the fact that advice is listed online, and that people should just know about it. Maybe I feel it's letting other people cheat and come to those conclusions without arriving at them themselves?
I dunno. Ah the advice is good, of course. The best one (that I found online) was one I saw recently about not letting what I think about a given situation ruin what it might become, to stop making assumptions about what people think and just go with it.
I've always felt that my gut instinct was to not trust my gut instinct. It's time to start listening to that.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
What We Mean To Each Other
I don't want to befriend her again. I want to meet anew, for us to see what we mean to each other.
This is impossible.
This is impossible.
This Is How An Angel Dies
I've been thinking of this new idea.
That I love people too much.
There is a real block in front of me when it comes to talking to every woman I meet.
Let me tell you, I hate thinking this of myself. That I can't talk to women. For fuck sake, I'm 20. Why the fuck do I still struggle with this. By and large, they are the same as me. They're as intelligent, as awkward as me.
I run conversations through my head. "You're so nice and gentlemanly, and fun to be around! How do you not have a girlfriend yet?" I dunno buddy, I guess I'm just ugly. (half joking) I think the real reason is that I don't see women as "just like me"; I still revere them. Every one I meet is more interesting, more intelligent, more fun than I am. And that intimidates me.
I don't want to choose a girl. I want them to choose me.
I think that is counter to everything in me, and the world, that is masculine. No matter how liberal or equal-rights minded you can be, it is the man who must choose the woman. I think that is fundamental to human instinct.
There is lot to be argued about this in that it's quite a sexist way of thinking. But listen; I think this is the natural way of things. It doesn't have to mean that Man is better than Woman. That's a stupid idea. For proof all you have to do is ask a man who is in love. Ask him what would happen if for the slightest second his woman gave an inkling that they might not be intersted in them? They feel jealousy and rage, true rage. The Man may choose the Woman, but the woman controls so much. The inverse is true, of course. However, I think the man is more willing to console the woman if this is the case. If the man thinks he has done something wrong, he will break himself in his efforts to make things right.
I love women too much. I don't want to con them into thinking I'm great. I want them to love me for who I am.
Yeah I've met two women who fit the bill. To be honset, I think I may have a shot with either. I think I just need to bite the bullet again and make a move. And by make a move I mean be frank with them. Come hell or high water. Make or break friendships. To not give a fuck about the outcome.
I want what I want.
Maybe I should cry for help.
Maybe I'm a different breed.
Maybe I'm the missing link.
That I love people too much.
There is a real block in front of me when it comes to talking to every woman I meet.
Let me tell you, I hate thinking this of myself. That I can't talk to women. For fuck sake, I'm 20. Why the fuck do I still struggle with this. By and large, they are the same as me. They're as intelligent, as awkward as me.
I run conversations through my head. "You're so nice and gentlemanly, and fun to be around! How do you not have a girlfriend yet?" I dunno buddy, I guess I'm just ugly. (half joking) I think the real reason is that I don't see women as "just like me"; I still revere them. Every one I meet is more interesting, more intelligent, more fun than I am. And that intimidates me.
I don't want to choose a girl. I want them to choose me.
I think that is counter to everything in me, and the world, that is masculine. No matter how liberal or equal-rights minded you can be, it is the man who must choose the woman. I think that is fundamental to human instinct.
There is lot to be argued about this in that it's quite a sexist way of thinking. But listen; I think this is the natural way of things. It doesn't have to mean that Man is better than Woman. That's a stupid idea. For proof all you have to do is ask a man who is in love. Ask him what would happen if for the slightest second his woman gave an inkling that they might not be intersted in them? They feel jealousy and rage, true rage. The Man may choose the Woman, but the woman controls so much. The inverse is true, of course. However, I think the man is more willing to console the woman if this is the case. If the man thinks he has done something wrong, he will break himself in his efforts to make things right.
I love women too much. I don't want to con them into thinking I'm great. I want them to love me for who I am.
Yeah I've met two women who fit the bill. To be honset, I think I may have a shot with either. I think I just need to bite the bullet again and make a move. And by make a move I mean be frank with them. Come hell or high water. Make or break friendships. To not give a fuck about the outcome.
I want what I want.
Maybe I should cry for help.
Maybe I'm a different breed.
Maybe I'm the missing link.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Just Ask
I have recently moved to Angers, France, in order to undergo some work experience. While I thought I had some idea of what I was getting into, I realised I was really just psyching myself up without paying attention to what I might have to do here.
As a result, I now see how underqualified I really am to work in any field of even mildly advanced electronics. Even though the other guys I'm working with are my age and in the same course, it's like I'm a 1st year dropped into a 4th year project. I am in a little over my head.
This really got to me during the two weeks prior to this last one.
I was horribly nervous in work, the language barrier bothering me, worried that I would be seen as the "stupid Irishman" amongst these well-educated higher-up-in-the-course French students. Last Monday I bit the bullet and just asked some simple questions about the material I was working on (that I was too nervous to ask before), and now I feel like a million fucking quid. As predicted, I'm surrounded by prefectly reasonable people, who have no qualms about helping if I just ask.
It's so stupid, all it took was some basic confidence. I will say that this revelation to "Just ask" came from steadily drinking Jameson all weekend. Oddly, unlike the effect Jack Daniels has on me now, it didn't make me horribly depressed. I felt emboldened after sobering up, having drunkenly thought through what I was worrying about all this time. It was sort of the equivalent of having a wonderfully drunk deep conversation with your mates and coming away with positive thoughts. Heh.
Of course, when it comes to women, biting that bullet and Just Asking might not work out so well. But at least you tried, and you know, there's a lot of energy in that.
On second thoughts, maybe, more often than not, it does work out well.
All you have to do is ask.
(Possibly with a few pints on you.)
As a result, I now see how underqualified I really am to work in any field of even mildly advanced electronics. Even though the other guys I'm working with are my age and in the same course, it's like I'm a 1st year dropped into a 4th year project. I am in a little over my head.
This really got to me during the two weeks prior to this last one.
I was horribly nervous in work, the language barrier bothering me, worried that I would be seen as the "stupid Irishman" amongst these well-educated higher-up-in-the-course French students. Last Monday I bit the bullet and just asked some simple questions about the material I was working on (that I was too nervous to ask before), and now I feel like a million fucking quid. As predicted, I'm surrounded by prefectly reasonable people, who have no qualms about helping if I just ask.
It's so stupid, all it took was some basic confidence. I will say that this revelation to "Just ask" came from steadily drinking Jameson all weekend. Oddly, unlike the effect Jack Daniels has on me now, it didn't make me horribly depressed. I felt emboldened after sobering up, having drunkenly thought through what I was worrying about all this time. It was sort of the equivalent of having a wonderfully drunk deep conversation with your mates and coming away with positive thoughts. Heh.
Of course, when it comes to women, biting that bullet and Just Asking might not work out so well. But at least you tried, and you know, there's a lot of energy in that.
On second thoughts, maybe, more often than not, it does work out well.
All you have to do is ask.
(Possibly with a few pints on you.)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Good Friday
I walk into the room dripping in gold.
The gold falls off me.
A lot of the time I'm coming back to my blog to try and make some sense of what I wrote about three or four years ago. It just goes to show how much I've lost the way since then, how much less I understand about the world. Hey, maybe that's a good thing, that I've been deconstructed and must make a new sense of the world I'm in.
I've gotten close to new people, people who have had experiences I could never imagine being in, for good or bad. This kinda ties back to the earlier post about caring for people without disturbing their lives. I won't elaborate, but people lead some heavy lives and still manage to find happiness outside of the shit. That's admirable, but what can you do about stuff that happened in the past? You treat them as they are in the present. The past is the past and it is to be left there. To rot, and be forgotten.
I guess in the grand scheme of things, you can't tell people how to live their lives. But if they seek help, you fucking give it to them. You give them everything you've got.
What else has been happening. . .
More muddled feelings about objects of desire. To hate/love them. I should just forget about them, I suppose.
That was the best piece of advice I've ever been given.
The gold falls off me.
A lot of the time I'm coming back to my blog to try and make some sense of what I wrote about three or four years ago. It just goes to show how much I've lost the way since then, how much less I understand about the world. Hey, maybe that's a good thing, that I've been deconstructed and must make a new sense of the world I'm in.
I've gotten close to new people, people who have had experiences I could never imagine being in, for good or bad. This kinda ties back to the earlier post about caring for people without disturbing their lives. I won't elaborate, but people lead some heavy lives and still manage to find happiness outside of the shit. That's admirable, but what can you do about stuff that happened in the past? You treat them as they are in the present. The past is the past and it is to be left there. To rot, and be forgotten.
I guess in the grand scheme of things, you can't tell people how to live their lives. But if they seek help, you fucking give it to them. You give them everything you've got.
What else has been happening. . .
More muddled feelings about objects of desire. To hate/love them. I should just forget about them, I suppose.
That was the best piece of advice I've ever been given.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Anger
I was going to write a post about how I'm going to forget about trying to build relationships, or pull at nightclubs.
But they are pretty fucking stupid ideas.
At least, the first one is. Nightclubs, while kind of fun, are to me not somehere you go to bond with people. The engagements feel very forced. Plus, it's loud; there's no room for a chat. So when you're not dancing (I say "dancing", but the idea of going out to dance in a nightclub seems to have been dead for about 20 years), you can't talk because the music is too loud. It's boring! It's really, really boring.
Relationships. Well. I've never been in one. I want to be in one.
Apologies for the poorly-constructed posts. It's the depressive after-effects of alcohol kicking in. I'm angry.
I'm angry at the idea that I might have become quite fake.
But they are pretty fucking stupid ideas.
At least, the first one is. Nightclubs, while kind of fun, are to me not somehere you go to bond with people. The engagements feel very forced. Plus, it's loud; there's no room for a chat. So when you're not dancing (I say "dancing", but the idea of going out to dance in a nightclub seems to have been dead for about 20 years), you can't talk because the music is too loud. It's boring! It's really, really boring.
Relationships. Well. I've never been in one. I want to be in one.
Apologies for the poorly-constructed posts. It's the depressive after-effects of alcohol kicking in. I'm angry.
I'm angry at the idea that I might have become quite fake.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Mysteries of the Night
It's true, I crave you. Give me shelter, show me heart.
How do you look after someone you care about while letting them live their own lives?
You can care. You can reap the benefit.
A lot has transpired since last July. I took the leap on occasion, asking someone if they'd let me be with them, care for them. It didn't work out. I haven't spoken to her since then. She doesn't want/need caring for.
"Why did she say no?"
Big question.
I came on too strong I guess.
I've spoken about how I don't believe that a woman can possibly care for me. Now though, I think it is possible, it was naive to think otherwise. The challenge is getting it to happen.
The right person at the right time.
Guys, I try, alright? I am myself around women. I joke, I play. I'm not a bad guy. What gets to me is the lack of response. The lack of understanding. I see it around me in other couples, they just "get" each other (or try very, very hard to), but it doesn't happen with the women I know, with the women I meet. I don't believe I'm that unattractive.
Whatever it is about finding this connection in people, it is hidden from me. And I dearly, dearly crave it.
How do you look after someone you care about while letting them live their own lives?
You can care. You can reap the benefit.
A lot has transpired since last July. I took the leap on occasion, asking someone if they'd let me be with them, care for them. It didn't work out. I haven't spoken to her since then. She doesn't want/need caring for.
"Why did she say no?"
Big question.
I came on too strong I guess.
I've spoken about how I don't believe that a woman can possibly care for me. Now though, I think it is possible, it was naive to think otherwise. The challenge is getting it to happen.
The right person at the right time.
Guys, I try, alright? I am myself around women. I joke, I play. I'm not a bad guy. What gets to me is the lack of response. The lack of understanding. I see it around me in other couples, they just "get" each other (or try very, very hard to), but it doesn't happen with the women I know, with the women I meet. I don't believe I'm that unattractive.
Whatever it is about finding this connection in people, it is hidden from me. And I dearly, dearly crave it.
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